MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL 02/22/11

Heard about the new species of Sea Horse they discovered. Thirteen scientists from the great University of Cincinnati spent years checking and cross-checking, referencing and cross-referencing until they were sure it was unlike any Sea Horse before. They say it is yellow and curly and has something that approximates the capacity for Human Compassion. Nothing complex like a monkey or dolphin possess, but definitely something more than most fish.

When placed next to reproductions of the world’s great paintings, the experts claim the Sea Horse begins to vibrate and swim rapidly as though it were excited and creatively engaged. When they played music from the great composers the creature would contort itself into shapes that resembled instruments it would never see nor comprehend. When one of the scientists brought his only surviving son into the lab one day, it was claimed that the Sea Horses sensed this bond and began arranging themselves into patterns and shapes like the kind ice skaters on a football field would form as seen from above.

Human Nature being what it is, the scientists began swallowing large handfuls of the Sea Horses each morning in the hopes of enhancing their own cognitive abilities and creative impulses. It is said that a few were even convinced that the diet would enable them to levitate and speak with plant life.

All went blind almost instantly, with two poor souls losing total control of their thumbs.
The control group, a gentleman by the name of Williams, became increasingly hostile to all but the color white and was eventually shot by authorities.

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About Chris Weagel

Chris Weagel writes about the intersection of technology and parenting for Wired Magazine. No he doesn’t. He can’t stand that shit.

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