American History X

The neighbor lady asked me to explain American History again. I was shoveling God’s gift of snow off the drive so I had to be brief. I said to her, I said, “It all goes back to the time of Giants. They roamed this land from South to North and East to West.”

She nodded.

“And there were many disagreements and disruptions, new factions betwixt them forming daily,” I continued. “The pressure got to be so much that a great battle was had between the Giants started because, of all things, a dispute over table manners. These fellas being Giants, they had an inclination towards formality. If you’re called to supper you show up, in a tie and jacket, yes.”

I went on, “So each side fought with their all. And I mean with everything. Clubs, bats, bricks, clumps of dirt in the eyes even. Spread Rumors. Told hurtful lies.”

“My God,” she muttered.

“Oh yes. These Giants, who were partially made of metal, had no capacity for mercy even amongst their own. And so would take to consuming the flesh of their fellow Giant even as they fell. Soon enough there was but one Giant left, missing an eye and mouth filled with regret.”

“Well George Washington put a bullet in him and claimed this land for all Christendom and here we are today.”

“We are blessed,” she said.

“We are indeed, Ma’am,” I said. “Now let go a’my Leg. I’ve got to shovel out these camels before they suffocate.”

Never did see her again.

About Chris Weagel

Chris Weagel writes about the intersection of technology and parenting for Wired Magazine. No he doesn't. He can't stand that shit.

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