Beneath You

MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL

To ward off the dark spirits and hate-filled memories, it’s a good idea to place some sacred totems under your seat, bed, or stool wherever you feel uncomfortable.

These items can have obvious protective qualities like turpentine or a rake. They can also be more esoteric and appear to the outside observer or potential employer as off-putting.

Items like an unfolded 40-foot boat tarp or the collected writings of Col. Bo Bo Gritz resting beneath you can trouble those unfamiliar with your anxiety. They may have already called the police.

You can put them at ease by inviting them to touch and handle the items, together, while explaining the comfort such objects provide. Offer to photograph them next to the objects.

To further put them at ease it is recommended that you refrain from discussing any recent drownings you may have witnessed.

Ease and comfort, good feelings all around. These are the goals of modern Social Relations.

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About Chris Weagel

Chris Weagel writes about the intersection of technology and parenting for Wired Magazine. No he doesn’t. He can’t stand that shit.

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