In this community – a word I have reservations about – but, uh, in this community we practice TV Tray Diplomacy.
That's where we reach over and touch the food on the other fellow's plate. Bare hands and all.
Alright now – Carl, I told you to wait outside.

A fun gift idea who's time has come: 450 Pillow Cases and No Excuses.
Also: A Kitty Ramp.

The Placemat Society is disavowing the work of their greatest living member, tonight, saying his newest pieces evince contempt and hostility towards the eater. Baring the title, “How You Are Viewed by the Lessers,” Spango's latest work, depicts a photorealistic pile of miscellaneous human and animal hairs, mashed and knotted together, thick with grease, floor-pee, and angst.
The artists note includes a diagram which helps servicemen orient the main entreė towards a particularly brutal knot of leg and ankle hairs.

What keeps the workers at Google from killing themselves? Bouncing around all day on giant colored balls. All that mandatory enthusiasm. The forced smiling. The Star Trek uniforms. They probably have a big guy come around every hour and plunge a needle of thorazine in their necks.
Must be the same thing that keeps Pixar employees from strangling their children.
Walt Disney did it right, though. He’d put you in a windowless metal box for four days. Old Walt’d personally rap on it with his hook, “You seeing the colors yet, boy?? ECHH!”
Spend the next 35 years, locked in silence, drawing rabbits shitting in rivers.

Ordinance 345 goes into effect tonight. No waivers or exceptions. Each single-family home and apartments of two or more bedrooms must contain a horse. The horse must be kept alive and in “good humor” indoors throughout the night. Each family must board a real, breathing horse, in their living room or sewing closet, from sundown to sun up, indefinitely. Or until…let me get the mailer…here, until “the end of hostilities,” we were told, by the mayor. Families are not to befriend the horse or bond with it in similar fashion. Inspectors must be allowed to touch the horse with both hands (or inspection wand) before families receive a three month window badge. Those presenting cartoon drawings in place of their horse will be named in the community newsletter...

Volunteer High School Bowling Coach.
He was called to serve.
Volunteer High School Bowling Coach.
He had a very accommodating judge.
Volunteer High School Bowling Coach.
From the Mayor's inner-inner circle.
Volunteer High School Bowling Coach.

First, he examines your thumbs.

Volunteer High School Bowling Coach.
He was such a blessing after the flood.
Volunteer High School Bowling Coach.
No, no, keep going. Make the font bigger.
Volunteer High School Bowling Coach.
Résumé building.

Volunteer High School Bowling Coach.