The subject of this morning’s lecture is God’s Mistakes. We all know He’s made them. It’s time to stop dancing around the issue and have an open discussion on how best to clean up the mess and get on with things. Luckily, the majority of these mistakes were made in the category of decorating. Most of them came with a receipt that we still have. And most of them can be remedied by simply closing doors, creative use of tarps and “not using” that section of the house when entertaining. Yes, there’s still the matter of the seahorse-themed shower tiles. We can’t get rid of those without a third mortgage. If you have to, wear shower sandals. We are mortal. We have limits. But together, in trust and brotherhood, friendship and team work, we can...

The internet is flooded with Experts. It’s very difficult to stand out and be heard unless your subject and approach are alarmingly unique. Assessing this landscape, I decided to stake my claim on the under-appreciated, Handkerchief Arts. Long thought dead, or outright imaginary, the Handkerchief Arts offer tremendous, unexplored vistas. Little is known about them outside specialty circles filled with toothless hermits. These men, aside from their endearing artworks composed entirely of handkerchiefs, hate humanity. They create only for themselves and purposely remain illiterate and isolated to shield their art from mankind. These men fear phantoms. I feel that mystery of the Handkerchief is embraceable by all. That lives can be changed, wrongs can be righted, if only the mind is...

A few more words on this Count of New Mexico. The Count’s first name is Alonso. His last name is unknown, intentionally so. A few people over the years have figured it out but it’s useless. He changes his last name every few months and burns all of his mail, both incoming and outgoing. The Count is a tall man, at least 6′ 5″. He loves cherry ice cream. In fact, he’s got a partial stake in an ice cream company out of Taos. It’s said he visits there at least once every three months and has workmen pile huge, freezer-ready cases of ice cream atop his chest in order to calm his mind and “flatten out the bad thoughts.” These workers claim he hands them something he calls Indian Money, then orders them to face the wall as he adjusts his hat and...

A gentleman calling himself The Count of New Mexico just phoned, offering his custom motorcycle jump ramp services. Says he has a number of pre-fab units already assembled, without buyers, just waiting there at the lot.
He also said he knows I don’t ride motorcycles or have any interest in riding them off ramps. He said he knows I do have an interest in setting up an extra-legal mobile carnival and petting zoo for use in the many parking lots of abandoned retail stores in the area.
I asked him if he wore a cape and if he would mind if I wore a cape while standing next to him in publicity photos.
He then hung up the phone.

Charles Schulz made a handsome living drawing pictures of a delusional dog for decades.
I’m hoping to do something similar but instead will be drawing pictures of stomach scars that I immediately burn, then never speak of in public.
WAIT WHY AM I TELLING YOU THIS?!