DEPT: Blog

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Letter from a Tea Party Conservative

[START QUOTED LETTER] Dear Honey, I'm sorry. I am a conservative husband, belong to the Tea Party and I voted for John Kasich. I have been married to a Cleveland teacher for almost 14 years and my vote let her down. I apologize: For letting people tease you about having the summer off and not asking them to thank you for the tough days ahead that begin in early August. I know for a fact you work more hours in those 10 months than many people do in 12. All those hours are earned. For complaining that my Sunday is limited with you because you must work. For making you think you have to ask permission to buy a student socks, gloves and hats. For not understanding that you walk through a metal detector for work. For leaving dirty dishes in the sink [when you awoke] for your 4 a.m. work...

Diamond Water

They grind up diamonds and pour them into pure spring water. Then drop it into your eyes. For at least thirty minutes, you can see four additional colors normal humans are blind to.
Then you’re sick for the next week.
Starts at $40.

Herd

At such moments, it’s also hard to contest the conventional wisdom. To do so will guarantee that you’ll be treated as some kook or pariah. It won’t even matter if you’re vindicated in the long run. You’ll still be remembered as some weirdo who was out of step.
And those who push the misguided consensus will mostly go on to bigger and better things, as people who have proved their worth even if they got it all wrong. Such is the way the national U.S. political/media system now works – or some might say doesn’t work.
SOURCE

WISCONSIN WORKERS HELP JAPAN

In response to the tragic events in Japan, the more than 65,000 Wisconsin workers represented by AFSCME Councils 24, 40 and 48 are donating $50,000 to an earthquake relief fund established by RENGO, Japan’s trade union confederation on behalf of all AFSCME members nationwide.

“Even as our members are facing great stress from being singled out as scapegoats for our state’s budgetary problems, their true nature shows though,” says Marty Beil, executive director of the Wisconsin State Employees Union, Council 24.

SOURCE

EPILEPSY MEDICATION

We were working down at the Circle K, making slushes when it happened. He burst through the door with masks on three sides of his head. A dragon mask, a sheep mask and an angel mask. He was wearing two coats, so I couldn't tell which way his arms were going or if they even were arms. Carrying on and banging a tambourine and screaming about getting his "RIGHT HONEST DISCOUNT ON TOWELS AND SEAT COVERS." Just kept repeating that. He hadn't gotten but 14 feet before Sally tripped the silent alarm and I and Robert climbed wholly into the slush chamber on machine two. That's where the authorities found us, cross-eyed and speaking only in numbers. But the bond we developed that day remains strong. I attribute that to the long hours we spent staring at one another's tongues. [The above has been...

Morning Constitutional 03/18/11

Have you ever seen a file cabinet explode?
Neither have I.
Have you ever seen a file cabinet explode while it sat with other exploding file cabinets on the back of a truck going 80 mph along a Cincinnati highway?
Answer: Not yet.

ALABAMA INDIANS WOMAN

Knife gambling is the worst kind, but also the most rewarding. That's the kind where each of the games is run by a large, talking, anthropomorphic Knife or Blade. He (usually a he) deals the cards and calls the numbers and counts the chips. And when you lose, he takes your palm and makes a deep lasting gouge. He aims to scar.

Some of these knife-men have mustaches, which is odd considering they share no other mammalian traits.

Morning Constitutional 03/17/11

Slice cucumbers into medallions. Arrange carrot strings on the face of each, depicting current time from the world's population centers. For extra credit, use one slice to depict local time from Antarctica and another for the final resting place of the ship wreck Titanic.

Lay these out around the edge of a dinner plate. In the center, build a pile of cherry tomatoes crowned by a radish rose. Step back and admire your work. You've learned a fun and nutritious way to distract yourself from the certainty of death.

Nightcap 03/16/11

"Physicists discovered in the early 2000s, much to their surprise, that there are at least 10⁵⁰⁰ Calabi-Yau manifolds out there."

Each one with a grudge and a girl back home.

Questions

Why where the protesters against imaginary death panels, who carried loaded weapons, treated by the media as upstanding citizens who deserved to be heard. While the people using signs and words to protest a massive increase in the power of the government to void contracts and decrease the power of people to negotiate contracts are referred to as wild-eyed haters who strike fear into the hearts of reporters.

Serious. Carry a gun to protest a debate, and you're just a freedom loving citizen. Carry a sign to protest the governer voiding contracts, and threatening to call out the National Guard and you are a greedy wild-eyed hater.

AND

Where was all this zeal for voiding contracts last year when bailed-out financial firms were handing out monster bonuses to their executives?

SOURCE