Here's the vision: A giant screen. Size of a wall. It's on a wall. On the side of a building. Facing a very busy street. Enormous screen. Full color. HD. No, not HD. 4k. 4k with an option to upgrade to 8k in two years. It's on all day. 24/7. All day, full blast, full detail. Super bright. Digital bright. People across the street never go to bed again. And it's warm. It's safe. It's not hot, you can touch it. Birds gather near it. Constant glow. There's a slight hum but only dogs can sense it. Young dogs. And they're already crazy. On the screen runs, uninterrupted, all day live stream feed footage of Appalacian Mountain Top Removal coal mining operations. Nonstop. Mountains being blown to dust by machines to reach coal. Put the camera up on a tree, or on a...
Archive - February 2013
Mass arrests of stuffed animals began today. I didn't believe it would happen. I was sure they'd first go after that guy at the end of the block who swallows DVDs from the library. From what I read, the teddy bears will be assigned new names and relocated to the orphanages in Las Vegas. The rest will be deported outright. The sudden loss of these brightly colored sympathy gifts underscores the importance of the Second Amendment.
You never really lose your fear of lizards.
But courage shows itself in other ways. One can lay face down on the floor during a close friend's art opening and claim ignorance of how to stand upright altogether. One may also decide to speak up – to say something – when one discovers a co-worker enthusiastically feeding ink pens to the office goat.
“I'm sorry, John, we need those pens for story writing. I'm going to have to arrest you now. Please stop being friendly to that goat.”
Wheel barrel. Wheelbarrow. Wheeled Barrelled.
He pushes a wheelbarrow filled with nothing save two, loose, forever rolling ball bearings back and forth past our window, forever.
Q: Who is Death?
Correct. And that brings you up to -$1400.
It's late February. Time for a Lightly-Used Mattress Party!
Yayyyyyyy!
Keep flipping them til you find a clean side! No permanent indentations! Just the faint odor of power failure sleepovers and your last three cats!
Yay!
When it's all over, leave the mattresses at the end of the driveway with hand written “Please Take Me” signs on them and tell relatives sorry, they must be mistaken, you've never had a guest bedroom.
Oh well!
Then start planning that new Den/Lecture Room!
Tonight’s activity is covering yourself in wood. Anywhere there’s bare skin, slap on some wood pieces. Nothing fancy, just hunks and sticks and sheets torn from trunks and branches. No sanding. Rough. Visible bark. Use carpenter’s glue and rubber bands. After it sets, tear off the rubber bands and shoot them over the fence. Walk away slowly. Don’t run. Friction could ignite the kindling now stuck to your thighs. This new wooden suit of armor will require a lot of changes in behavior and attitude. It will require varnish. Possibly weather-proofing. But you will be better for it. A better man. If people ask, tell them you are Nature. Not of nature or from nature. Tell them you are Nature. Nature itself. They will fear your judgement. Many will assume you can now...
“The purpose of science is to provide humanity with stronger, more robust raisins and snack mix ingredients.” My father determined early on that you could spell all sorts of unpleasant words by typing certain sequences of numbers into digital display calculators and then turning them upside down to view. That's not why he got the grant money. He got the grant money – the money that sustained him and his family in a small, entrance-less barn yard outbuilding – for positing that one could predict the future by caring too much. Excessive politeness and mindfulness of the needs of others – helping them off the ground when their cane gives way, hugging their home appliances without being asked – can open up, Dad would say, “the vast, featureless...