The reason I don’t enter many mustache growing competitions these day is that they’re all fixed! All of them! Same judges, same hair-wax sponsors, same pressures from the UN to pick a “dignified” winner. There hasn’t been honesty in international mustache circles since the mid-nineties steroid scandals. Yes there’s steroids for mustaches despite them being composed entirely of hair. I’m not a scientist, I’m a mustache man. I don’t know how it works, I just know it works. It’s an ugly business. Everybody just wants to get into the pages of Slick Jack magazine. We’re well past the age of the Gentleman Groomer. Oh forget it!