This is embarrassing for everyone involved, myself most of all. The ice cream eating contest was meant to be a bonding experience. It was supposed to be a light-hearted, jolly wrap up to another fantastic corporate event. An ice cream eating contest, by its very nature, is low stakes. The competition itself is its own reward, after all. I will never understand where the idea that the winner would get not only a $5 Gift Card to Dairy Boy, but also be granted the opportunity to be adopted by my wife Onaedo and me and raised as a wolf-baby began. I did not author, nor have even read, the supposed memo outlining such a reward and its accompanying sketches of a feral child holding pen and mess pit it is purported I built to restrict you to until you are “of fighting weight.” The whole matter is absurd! The fact that the majority of you on staff participating in this contest are well into your thirties (many with wolf-children of your own) further highlights the madness of this plot. And so, because it is not only horrible to see each of you betray and trample upon each other in hopes of winning – an ice cream eating contest of all things – your behavior is doubly revolting considering the appearance it has in front of the genuine orphans on our staff, I must cancel tonight’s ice cream eating contest. I will be sitting in the rear of our local Arby’s parking lot tonight and do not wish company.