Author - Chris Weagel

The word made real. I've begun photographing the Gummi bears. Individually. Right before I eat them. I tell them it's for my Meal Tumblr. It's not. I don't have a Meal Tumblr. I have a washing-in-the-yard-with-the-hose Tumblr. I have to tell them something. The Gummi bears. I don't want them thinking their sacrifice is in vain. They mustn't get the idea they were created to die. I used to tell them I was photographing them for prom. But then they asked why they weren't photographed in couples and I had to come up with another lie to justify my perversions. I told them I had fallen down the stairs as a boy and that's why I had to wear this brace. Then they'd say they didn't ask about my brace and why I don't wash it and I'd panic and have to...

According to my almanac, this is the week the Pope starts blessing Easter baskets in anticipation of Spring. I wonder if it will be as effective coming from his new hook hand.

I asked the state employee at the information desk for scrambled eggs. She blew her kazoo with eyes closed. “I normally don't get out this early. My condition requires written apologies.” And so, in just three hours, the right to whisper was restored in Acanome county.

Anders knew reintroducing the water bed to a general audience would be ugly work. He had told lies about water beds in the past. Jagged lies. And he knew he'd lie again, right to their faces. Not only had the populace lost trust in the water bed concept, they'd lost faith in its promise. Many in the northeast had vowed to sleep on a bed of scorpions than welcome a giant vinyl bladder of room temperature tap water back into the bedroom. The mold problems, the discontinuity of seasickness while on dry land, the lurking suspicion that the salesman had sold them a used or floor model that was not factory fresh but instead thick with the invisible greases of previous sleepers drove the water bed and aquatic sleep-cessories market into oblivion. Still, Anders held out. He knew he could...

We're gonna have a magician party. Only magicians invited. Get them all into a sound-proof room. Enjoy the cocktail franks. Open bar. Everybody can relax. Put the rivalries aside. You're among friends, brother, among friends. Sure have another. Comfortable chairs. Low lighting. Just the right amount of rugs. Real easy going for a good hour or so. And now that everybody's softened up, out come the written confessions. No big deal, no big production. Keep it light. Go around, shake hands, start collecting autographs. Why this here? This, Tom, says you're a real son-of-a-gun. Yes. Ha ha. Yes, sign and date. Yes. And at the end of the night, you've solved all of the county's outstanding incidents. Felony and above. Yes. All those mysterious “disappearances...

I've given in. I've joined up. I've finally taken responsibility for my life. I've started a business. I'm my own man now. Yes sir. Alright. Yeah. Yes. Yes. Ohhhhh. Yes. For a very modest fee, I will sit on your front porch and dip your lawn statuary into different colored pots of paint, then leave them to dry. It's booming. It's all word of mouth. I never knew what I was good at. Never knew my place. Now I do. I'm a citizen again. I sit there with gloved hand, carefully dipping your gnomes and whistling frog ornaments into gray paint. Or yellow. Some people have a preference. That's fine. And I always dip them under face first. I'll hold a rabbit ornament, I'll hold its head under the paint and count: One-Agatha Christie, Two-Agatha Christie...

“These are my special indoor boots. They cost 40 tokens.” “We don't use tokens in this family. We spend dollars, carry coins. You speak right now. No telling who's listening.” “First I imagined there had been a mistake printed in the flyer. Who wears a boots inside? All the neighbors do.” “We keep our secrets to ourselves. We keep ourselves covered during illness. Stay covered during good times too. Never let nobody in.” “And I've always wanted to take helicopter lessons. And now I can. These boots make me taller on the inside.” “Shortness is not weakness. My bones are weak. I can't get any calcium tablets. Cost too many tokens. Got to save them for our Sundays.” “I will always wear these boots...