Archive - May 2013

Nightcap 05/28/13

Everyone, all of us, in America were driven insane not too long ago. No one escaped. Newborns sleep beneath open, always-running laptop computers for the first thirteen months. It's all very efficient.
That's why we mock the Amish. Their only method for driving babies crazy involves involuntary beardings and potato-gluing their hands to bibles.

Nightcap 05/27/13

The end of May exposes many broken promises. We're approaching Popsicle weather, there's no hiding it. So June brings reform. No more romantic breakfasts at Burger King. Stop offering to rewrite your friend's play. Smile when they perform it for you in the hall. Encourage them to do the cockney accents. Admit you've traded your dignity for half a car wash coupon book. And follow through. Because what do you want to be? A gutless wonder, clutching curtains and asking for rides to the KMart pharmacy? Or a lightly caricatured version of yourself in a syndicated television sitcom worthy of the respect of your adopted children? When it comes down to it, refuse the extra gravy. Ask them to put it in a clearly labeled bag and mail it to your Aunt. Offer to pay for priority...

Nightcap 05/24/13

I've taken it upon myself to write original songs inspired by the lesser-loved items on the Burger King drive thru menu. The Walnut Cups, Fried Olives, Highway Safety Sticker Packs, and so forth. I won't be posting them here, but will instead mail recordings of them to senators, along with photos of each of you.

Nightcap 05/21/13

Preacher says, time and again, the only folks who can be trusted were born with twelve fingers and probably smell like cotton straightener. As for the rest of these monsters – the ones that surround us all the time always – he suggests using electrical tape to stick lists of their deficiencies to their backs to free up space in your mind’s limited memory chambers, filling them instead with photos of sharks.
He also advocates tearing dogs in half in the hope each end grows a new dog, rebuilding his army without additional cost.

Nightcap 05/19/13

There are many opportunities in this great land for a young man to try his hand at, many careers that could help you find your fortune, many jobs you could enjoy for great success including:

Man Who Touches Stomach
Man With Boots
Electricity Spinner
Annointer of Woods
Man Who Draws Q
Step Counter
Balloon Inspection
Color Light Show Man
Brother of King
Happy Thought Boy
Magnet Chief
Secret Swallower
Man Who Holds Goose
Ambassador to Snakes
Juice Master
Zebra Stripe Painter
Shadow Trapper
Potion Taster
Microwave Oven